What would Jesus do about poor posture and back pain?

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Your antichristian news leader has been rocked by scandal. It has come to light that Mr. Fillmore IV is not, in fact, dead. To maintain our journalistic integrity and to avoid finger pointing we rest the blame solely on the shoulders of Rosa Lopez, Ratrophy's Mexican maid. Ms. Lopez has been sentenced by the SOPs of #Jesus_Sucks_Dick to be fucked with a knife, receive a chainsaw to the cunt, and then be stripped, raped, and strangled. (Thanks, Cannibal Corpse!) Should she survive, she will be forced to marry Ratrophy.

We continue to assert that the remainder of the news article is 100% fact, or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

We here at www.jesus-sucks-dick.com are extremely sorry for any momentary discomfort that may have stemmed from Mr. Fillmore IV's reported death.

Stay tuned to www.jesus-sucks-dick.com, your antichristian news leader.

The news desk would like to make an impassioned plea:

We have discovered that Mr. Fillmore IV died a virgin. In an effort to rectify this situation, we here at #jesus_sucks_dick request that any homo sapien aged 1-100 willing to fuck his rotting corpse direct their inquiries to us at FTSOJnet IRC or by following the instructions on the "IRC" link of this website.

Serious human inquiries only, please. Ratrophy had his fill of various species of animals during his lifetime.

Stay tuned for any further developments on www.jesus-sucks-dick.com, your antichristian news leader.

It has come to the attention of those of us at the #JSD news desk that one of our own has departed this mortal coil for the Great Gloryhole in the Sky.

Hailing from the darkest corner of Missouri, William Jefferson "Ratrophy" Adams Washington Fillmore IV was born the son of Millard "Phil" Fillmore, a cabinet maker, and Nancy "Bonzo" Reagan, a French prostitute. Missouri was still developing in 1980, the year of his birth. Fully 98% of the state did not have indoor plumbing and it was perfectly acceptable to stick your penis into roving herds of cattle.

In his youth, William enjoyed the normal passions of boyhood in Missouri; torturing farm animals to death and having intercourse with his sister, Paula "Poundstone" Fillmore. Although Paula frequently became pregnant due to Ratrophy's superhuman semen, their mother Nancy had taken a correspondence course in back-alley abortions and always had her coat hanger at the ready.

As a teenager, William put all of his belongings in a backpack and ventured out from the farm to the fabled land of Carthage that his father had often spoken of. It was a journey that would change his life.

For there, in Carthage..... was Rex. Rex became like a surrogate father to young Ratrophy, teaching him all about life as a man. Misogyny, computer repair, the pleasures of sheep....

But William wanted to go beyond Carthage, and when he felt that he had learned all that he could from his mentor Rex, he decided that it was time to be all he could be.

Ratrophy joined the Army.

The US Army trained William in their most prestigious career field, Sewage Specialization Technician. Following his schooling, he was sent directly to the front lines of the war in Afghanistan. It was there that Ratrophy developed his love for alcohol, his sexual attraction to camels, and hepatitis. He was shipped back stateside where his liver made a full recovery.

It would not stay healthy for long, for Ratrophy had discovered his true purpose in the world. His niche was carved. He....would become a raving alcoholic.

For lo, it came to pass that William would consume massive quantities of booze and then proceed to spew forth the most insane, demented, and pointless statements that IRC had ever seen. His tirades became more and more outrageous, and it was soon impossible to determine whether or not Ratrophy had been drinking. The innocent citizens of #jesus_sucks_dick had no idea what to think, and decided that the best course of action was to hope that he would die a slow painful death from years of alcohol abuse.

And that, dear readers, is very similar to what he did.

Last night, after consuming several bottles of Boone's Farm and a whole case of Zima, William Jefferson "Ratrophy" Adams Washington Fillmore IV choked to death on his own penis after attempting inverted auto-fellatio whilst hanging from the server rack in his closet. He was found naked and covered in his own excrement by Rosa Lopez, Ratrophy's Mexican maid. Pictures of the incident taken by Ms. Lopez will soon be available on eBay.

So here's to you, Ratrophy. Sooner or later someone is bound to notice that you're dead.

Stay tuned to www.jesus-sucks-dick.com, your antichristian news leader.

Jesus is becoming very multiskilled these days. He's tired of being turned on and off like a light switch. He wants to be inside of you in the most intimate way. If you thought Jesus was a pain in the ass before.. well.. BEHOLD!

The baby Jesus buttplug..

In part one of a multi-part news segment, shardborn examines the last eight years of American politics and their effects on the current economical crisis.

It's a well known fact, dear readers, that the US economy is quickly imploding. The question on every American's mind is: WHO IS TO BLAME? Who can we turn our great and mighty American wrath upon? The government? Wall Street? Terrorist ragheads?

No.

The answer is simple, and neither John McCain or Barack Obama is willing to admit the truth.

Jesus did this. Allow me to explain.

On a bright summer morning in 2000, Jesus Christ awoke, pulled the ever-present cock from his mouth, and wondered why the United States had been going down the wrong path. Sure, the current president Bill Clinton liked having his penis sucked, a requirement for all US presidents, but he liked *women*. Abominable. Disgusting. Filth. It was time to take a direct hand in American politics. He needed a man of faith. A man of principle. A man who liked being rammed from behind by a pulsating penis covered in broken glass. A man who liked his cock in the mouth of the LORD.

He found that man.

George W. Bush was born the son of a Kansas City, MO meth addict and a disease-ridden Nigerian prostitute. Like all Nigerians, Georgie was raised a Catholic, and enjoyed the constant anal and oral attention of every priest, cardinal, and 419 scammer in Nigeria. He seemed to be on the fast track to building a 419 empire of his own...

But Jesus stepped in. A man that loved the LORD and the COCK was destined for greatness. This man would lead the United States into homosexual power. This man would appear live on national television and spray his load directly into Jesus' rotting throat. This man would smite the heathens with the power of the LORD.

After a thorough bleaching and a fake back story placing him as the son of a former President, George Walker Bush was ready.

He was ready for the maggot-ridden semen of the LORD.

In the next segment, shardborn chronicles the rise of George W. Bush and Jesus. Stay tuned to www.jesus-sucks-dick.com, your antichristian news leader.

Hmm that conjures up a lot to do with pedophila. What makes me laugh all the more is that you've got to turn him 'off' to turn him on. I wonder what they'll think of next...

The hosting bill has been paid for another year, so we're not going anywhere (rejoice, motherfuckers!), at least for a little while. Thanks to Jerenn, Rex, Ratrophy, Grimlok, Metzger, Jerrybob & madvoice for their donations to keep this place up and running for another year.

I've also created a dedicated account just for JSD hosting and put a donation button on the bottom of the right sidebar (you should be able to scroll down and see it right now) to take donations for site operating funds. This money will only be used for hosting and the like. Any amount over our actual fees will either be used to upgrade our account or just be held til next year's bill shows up.

Anyway, thanks for the help guys. And keep on suckin', Jesus!