Jesus Loves The Little Children

Hmm that conjures up a lot to do with pedophila. What makes me laugh all the more is that you've got to turn him 'off' to turn him on. I wonder what they'll think of next...

Another year of blasphemy! also, the inception of the JSD Hosting Fund.

The hosting bill has been paid for another year, so we're not going anywhere (rejoice, motherfuckers!), at least for a little while. Thanks to Jerenn, Rex, Ratrophy, Grimlok, Metzger, Jerrybob & madvoice for their donations to keep this place up and running for another year.

I've also created a dedicated account just for JSD hosting and put a donation button on the bottom of the right sidebar (you should be able to scroll down and see it right now) to take donations for site operating funds. This money will only be used for hosting and the like. Any amount over our actual fees will either be used to upgrade our account or just be held til next year's bill shows up.

Anyway, thanks for the help guys. And keep on suckin', Jesus!

Get down on your knees and suck it bitch

Ever wanted to nibble on a chocolate Jesus dick? Apparently this wanker artist did. Either that or he's making this "art" purely to piss off religious fanatics.. Move over chocolate bunnies and cadbury creme eggs, all the kiddies want for Easter this year is a chocolate Jesus complete with cock so small you cannot see it with the naked eye.

Reuters.com reports:

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A life-size chocolate sculpture of a naked Jesus will finally be displayed in New York starting in late October, seven months after an outcry by Roman Catholics forced a different gallery to cancel its exhibition.

The chocolate Jesus will be joined by sculptures of several fully clothed saints, but the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights said it will not protest because, unlike before, there are no plans to put the "anatomically correct" Jesus in public view during Holy Week.

The Proposition gallery in Manhattan's Chelsea neighborhood will present "Chocolate Saints ... Sweet Jesus," an exhibition timed to coincide with All Saints' Day on November 1. The show will run October 27 to November 24.

Back in March, the chocolate Jesus by artist Cosimo Cavallaro was to be exhibited in a street-level window of the Roger Smith Lab Gallery in Midtown Manhattan, giving casual passers-by a view of Jesus's private parts.

Protests, including a call to boycott the affiliated Roger Smith Hotel, forced the gallery to scrap the showing.

"We still don't approve but the conditions have changed," said Kiera McCaffrey, spokeswoman for the Catholic organization.

The new exhibition will take place indoors in a neighborhood full of art galleries, she said.

Images on the Proposition gallery's Web site (http://www.theproposition.com/wp/chocolate-saints-sweet-jesus/) show the work suspended in air, depicting Jesus as if on the cross.

A gallery statement said Cavallaro was raised as a Catholic altar boy and questioned church precepts but always held a fondness for Holy Communion.

"Remembering the mystical/transcendental quality and rushes of memory associated with the Catholic wafer received during Holy Communion, he recalls equating that ritual of ecstasy to his own experience of chocolate," the statement said.

The flap recalled another New York clash between art and religion. In 1999, then-Mayor Rudolph Giuliani tried to withdraw a grant from the Brooklyn Museum of Art over a painting depicting the Virgin Mary as a black woman splattered with elephant dung and adorned with cut-outs from pornographic magazines.

Pope from Hell and the Hellfire Virgin

I guess the last Pope wasn't content enough being given the sendoff he had. I think I'd be pretty pleased to have such a grand farewell. But nooooo he couldn't stay dead. I guess he's pretty pissed that a Star Wars villan lookalike has inherited his job.

He's done the 'force' comeback like a dead Yoda to put the fear of Hell into people. Or really it is just a fire, a gust of wind, a camera and some nut that just happened to time his shutter on the sheer coincidence that it looks kinda popelike.

With this image you make up your own mind. I must admit it shows an uncanny resemblance to the frail choirboy cumstained robed pope with his tradmarked hunchback. It doesn't look like he's waving in his flaming resurrection. I'm more inclined to say that like he's flippin' the bird in the "fuck you Jesus you dick sucking whorebag" kinda fashion.

As an added bonus, not only do we have the Pope from Hell, we've got a heavily pregnant rather smug looking flameage of the 'Virgin'.

I guess this is where the saying "bun in the oven" comes from.. The audience don't look all that thrilled. They have the "Oh look its flamin' Mary again" expressions.

People could find more interesting examples of representation. Like that Nutri-grain piece that looked like ET. That was gold...

Gibson builds church, women repressed, Jesus still sucks dick

In another "just like jesus" story, this site is reporting that Mel Gibson is building a 37 million dollar church in the hills of Malibu, California. Here is our exclusive interview with Mr. Gibson as he tells all about jesus, his particular brand of catholicism, and Tom Cruise!

S: Welcome to www.jesus-sucks-dick.com, Mr. Gibson.
MG: Thank you, shardborn. I've been a huge fan of the #JSD website for years now. Loved your Mother Teresa exposé.
S: So, Mr. Gibson, can you tell us a little bit about this church that you're spending so much money on?
MG: Well...off the record?
S: Of course.
MG: I had an epiphany about those fucking Jews when I was filming "Passion". I decided right then and there that one movie about how horrible they are wasn't enough, and that I needed a platform upon which I could launch a whole anti-jew agenda. I'm going to be like Hitler, but pseudo-australian and better looking. We're going to finish the job! I can't get movies made because of those fucking hymies! The last two films I pitched, "Oven-dodgers must die" and "Auschwitz: The Musical" were shot down before I could even close my mouth! What a bunch of shit!
S: And on the record?
MG: Oh, I just want to have a nice, family church where people can love Jesus with all their hearts and practice Mel Gibson(™) brand Catholicism. We're not really that much different from any other Jesus loving Latin ritual based religion.
S: A lot has been made of your treatment of women - namely...forcing them to wear veils and long skirts. What would you like to tell potential followers about that?
MG: Listen. Jesus sucked dick. You know it, I know it.....hell, by now everyone should know it. The fact that I'm allowing those whores into my church at all should show what a fucking humanitarian I am. Women are just disgusting! They bleed all over my pews. I'm considering having a separate room for them to worship in.....one with an absorbent floor to catch all of their filthy menstrual blood.
S: Don't you need women to make more followers, though?
MG: Yeah, but I'm looking into changing that. We're going to get a whole shitload of donated eggs, put 'em in a bank, and just make more followers when we need them. That way, men can fuck little boys just like Jesus intended.
S: And what would you tell possible converts who want to molest little girls?
MG: That's just DISGUSTING, shardborn! I can't believe you would DARE to suggest such a thing! If you make one more reference to ANY man having ANY TYPE of intercourse with ANY female, this interview is over. Jesus taught that underage boys are the only approved sexual outlet, and that's that.
S: Aren't you married, Mr. Gibson?
MG: It's all for show, you fuckwit! Look at my words, not my actions!
S: I see.
S: Quite a bit has been made lately about Tom Cruise and Scientology. What are your thoughts?
MG: Oh, fuck that bastard. I know that sooner or later there's going to be a Mel vs. Tom holy war, and I assure you that we're going to win. We have Jesus and cocks on our side, all he has is the rotting corpse of L. Ron Hubbard and fake aliens! I know the head of the Scientology church said that Cruise is the messiah, but we have the REAL Messiah! And he sucks our penises!
S: Well, I think that's about all the time we have for today. I'd like to thank our guest, Mel Gibson, for his time.
MG: Thank you, shardborn.

Shortly after this interview took place, Mel Gibson filled a solid gold toilet bowl with his own vomit, a bottle of vodka, and some maraschino cherries.... and proceeded to eat it. During his meal, he demanded that I not reveal the location of the church (which would be impossible as he never told me where it is) and that I join him for lunch. I politely refused.

He then shit on me and called me a "fucking jewbag". I attempted to explain to him that I just don't care for vodka, but he wouldn't hear any of it. He launched into a tirade about how I was responsible for all of the wars in the world, and that just because his puke wasn't kosher was no reason for a hooked-nose kike bastard like myself not to eat it. He then proclaimed himself Lord of the Universe and stabbed his testicles several times with a steak knife.

I will never interview Mel Gibson again.

The things I do for this fucking website.

As always, I'm shardborn for www.jesus-sucks-dick.com, your antichristian news leader.

Minister charged with being just like Jesus.. I mean Indecent Exposure.

WTOP.com has a story today about a minister being arrested just for trying to be more like Jesus! Now, I have no love for Jesus myself, but you would think that a minister would be able to act like him all he wanted without being thrown in jail.

"Tommy Tester, 58, of Bristol, Va., was wearing a skirt when he was arrested last week after allegedly urinating in front of children at a car wash, police said."

Wearing a skirt is not unknown to the 'savior' and urinating in front of children is ALMOST what he likes to do. Can you say golden showers? The minister is obviously doing a performance piece, an homage to Jesus himself.

"Police also said Tester offered to perform oral sex on officers who were sent to the scene."

Now this is right on. He nailed jesus on the head, feet, hands and stabbed him in the side with a spear on this one. Nothing says Jesus like trying to blow the cops to get out of trouble. Unfortunately, it worked about as well on modern cops as it did on ancient romans.

"There was no immediate response Tuesday to calls to the church and Tester's home."

Obviously the church is flabbergasted by the actions of police as well.

That's all on this story for today from jesus-sucks-dick.com, your antichristian news leader. We will be updating as new details come to light.

Mother Teresa's secret!

As reported on cbsnews.com, letters written by the Whore of Calcutta have been unearthed! We here at www.jesus-sucks-dick.com have obtained EXCLUSIVE access to *all* of these personal diaries and correspondence.....and here are the good parts they won't show you in the news!

"July 23, 1948 - I am so fucking tired of these ungrateful poor motherfuckers! When I signed up to be a goddamn nun, I thought I was going to get some hot priest cock....but it turns out all of those fucks are busy with the altar boys and don't have time for some hot russkie action! I should have been a stripper...."

"November 14, 1950 - "Oh, I'm dying, I'm dying!" SHUT THE FUCK UP! Why do these people have to be such fucking whiners? The other day I was changing bandages on a leper who had lost his entire cock and balls to the disease, and he's screaming "IT HURTS! Please! Help me, sister!" ....What the fuck do you want me to do, asshole? Suck you off? I mean, holy shit! I tried to sew a carrot and a couple of baby potatoes into his ragged hole, but the hungry fucking children ripped them off and ate them. Little bastards! Am I destined to be a doormat for the rest of my life? What I wouldn't give for a throbbing cock in my ass...."

"August 8, 1966 - I hear there's a war going on in some zipperhead country called Vietnam.....I wonder if I could get a transfer. I've been getting reports that they have some great weed over there, and I've been told that those American negros have huge dicks. I'm still relatively good looking, and I bet those GIs could use a little action. I know I could....I wouldn't even charge for it! Here, GI! Let me tend to your wounds! Oh, it looks like you have something hard in your fatigues, sergeant....do you think I should check it out? Mmmmm yeah, I could totally get into that shit..."

"March 2, 1983 - Oh, god DAMN. I had a heart attack! This is the best news I've had in years! Maybe it's finally time for me to check out of this motherfucker..."

"August 30, 1989 - Another fucking heart attack....Why can't I just DIE? Maybe I should think about killing myself..."

"May 18, 1991 - Pneumonia, and another heart attack. Now you're just being a fucking prick, God!"

"April 1, 1996 - I broke my fucking collarbone! What the FUCK? I'm old! Let me die, you son of a bitch!"

"August 12, 1996 - Malaria....and heart failure! THIS is the thanks I get? I hate to think of the shit you do to people you DON'T like, you assclown! Fuck you, God! FUCK YOU!

"December 25, 1996 - It's Jesus's goddamn birthday, and here I am piss drunk and ministering to 300 little Indian brats.... Why the hell don't I ever get any time off? It's a fucking holiday! I should at least have a couple of hours to myself with a copy of the Sears catalog so I can bring this dusty old cunt to orgasm one last time this year! I'm 86 years old, for Christ's sake!..."

"September 5, 1997 - *gasp* *gasp* *send.......cock.........need............* *gasp* *facial......gasp* Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhh......."

And here are a couple of letters:

August 6, 1953

"Dear Archbishop Kolodiejchuk - I've been hearing stories coming out of the Vatican that are disconcerting to say the least. I understand that Jesus has been seen there sucking off every male clergyman in the entire city. When is the Saviour of all mankind going to come on over to India and give a girl some lovin'? I mean, you're not going to tell me that my Lord is some kind of fucking faggot, are you? That kind of shit could make a bitch lose her faith! I'm enjoying the celebrity shit, and the thought of you fuckers making me a saint after I croak ain't a bad gig....but I don't munch no carpet, and all the men in India seem interested in is dancing around like fairies and shoveling curry into their unwashed asses. I'm married to the LORD, and you'd better get his ass down here to fuck me good.....or I'm out of here."

I'm not fucking kidding.

-Terri

Sadly, the good archbishop never wrote her back, and like the doormat she was "Mother" Teresa just kept on. Here's an interesting letter she sent to the pope when she was having a crisis of the faith:

October 31, 1975

"Dear Pope Paul VI - I'm done with your shitbag of a god. I actually read the bible today, and I can't fathom how you motherfuckers believe this horseshit. I love the infant dashing and the incest, but the whole New Testament is a total load of dung! I can't believe that I have washed peoples' ASSES for this fucking religion! I have to believe in Jesus because I've seen the line in the Vatican washroom.....half the fucking men in Europe lined up, waving 5 bucks....and waiting their turn for that fat, hairy cumdumpster! What's so great about the way that bastard sucks cock? Hell, *I'd* suck every cock in Europe if it'd get me out of India. This place is a goddamn cesspool. I hate India. I hate Indians. What the fuck am I doing here? I've been taking care of diseased and dying motherfuckers for almost 30 years now! Why don't you ever answer my mail? I'm fantastic press for you, asshole! I could just walk out! I'm going to do it if you don't answer me. I swear to you, I'm not going to die some toothless 87 year old hag in this fucking country! I'm not!"

You'd better send me some cash and a muscular guy with a huge cock straightaway.

-Terri

P.S. - You'd better burn these letters.....I can't fathom what would happen if those assholes at www.jesus-sucks-dick.com got a hold of them....

As always, I'm shardborn for www.jesus-sucks-dick.com, your antichristian news leader.

Jesus: Now with the Kung-Fu Grip......ON THE COCK!

Oh yeah, faithful readers! Wal-Mart is now going to be carrying talking biblical action figures! I don't know why someone didn't think of this sooner. Series 1 looks pretty boring, but I hear that series 2 is going to totally take faith-based toys...TO A NEW LEVEL! For example:

Series 2 features the whole crucifixion playset! Imagine little Billy's eyes lighting up when he takes *that* out of the box! It comes with a real kid-sized wooden cross! What joy he'll have on christmas morning when he gets to nail his sister.......then crucify her afterwards! Can't you just feel the love?

In addition, series 2 will feature another 12" Jesus, but instead of scripture he'll quote snippets from www.godhatesfags.com whenever you pull on his cock! And you'd better watch out, kids....if you yank on his rotting penis too much, you'll have quite a mess on your hands! The 12" series 2 Jesus cums LIVE maggots! Oh, what fun you'll have waking up Father Dave after a night of "hide the rosary" with a face full of wriggling holy semen!

But the joy doesn't end there. What child wouldn't want to play with the Tales of Lot boxset? It comes with Lot, his 2 daughters, a whole mess of liquor, some angels, and a town full of people! Recreate the classic story or just stage a massive orgy! Each anatomically correct figure is ready to show you the mysteries of the bible in 3D! Lot *really* loved his daughters, and they *really* loved him! Parents, what better way to show your children that having sex with daddy is a good thing than with incestuous characters RIGHT OUT OF THE BIBLE?

We applaud you, Wal-Mart. This is exactly what the youth of America needs to get them back on track. Children must be shown wholesome CHRISTIAN moral values, or this country will continue along its godless, communist path straight to Hell.

Does anyone even fucking READ the bible?

As always, I'm shardborn for www.jesus-sucks-dick.com, your antichristian news leader.

ATTENTION: ROTTING CORPSE OF TAMMY FAYE NOW UP FOR AUCTION!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen! We have here 1 recently deceased Tammy Faye corpse for your bidding pleasure! She slices! She dices! She chops and juliennes! Tammy Faye makes MOUNDS of cole slaw in SECONDS! Simply remove her wig and she's a pasta maker! In addition to her fantastic kitchen features, the Rotting Corpse of Tammy Faye (hereafter referred to as the RCoTF) also doubles as a science experiment for the kids! Watch as your children learn the magic of decomposition in real time!

But wait! There's more!

For those of you lonely men out there who like you some skinny bitches....(this means you, Rex) - - she's also a cancer-ridden fucktoy! What anorexic loving man wouldn't want to stick his cock into the cold, fishy flesh of a dead televangelist? I submit to you that there are none!

Still not convinced? Listen to THIS testimonial!

"Man, back when we were married and doing the PTL club, Tammy Faye was a fucking FREAK! Man, that bitch would tongue my asshole, snort coke off of my balls, hell, she'd even sodomize herself with the Jackhammer Jesus while I rubbed her tits down with filet mignon and lobster! Then we'd mainline some 200 year old Dom Perignon and shit all over the studio! God DAMN there's nothing like forcing a 20 year old intern to eat your shit off of the floor while you're high as a fucking kite! Those were the DAYS, my friend! Those were the FUCKING DAYS!" -Jim Bakker

I'd like to start the bidding at ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

er......anyone?

Ok, ONE THOUSAND!

no?

A hundred. One hundred dollars for a GENUINE Tammy Faye!

What's with the goddamn crickets?

50 bucks?

10?

25 cents?

Man, this bitch is hard to get rid of. I'll tell you what - this live auction shit isn't working. I'll take bids in the comments section, winner takes the corpse.

Come on, she's really starting to stink.

As always, I'm shardborn for www.jesus-sucks-dick.com, your antichristian news leader.

The test results are in!

Yes, antichristian readers, the toxicology tests are in on the Benoit: Killing for Jesus scandal! The results? Ol' Nancy was on painkillers and Xanax, the brat was doped up with Xanax before he was strangled, and what did the "Rabid Wolverine" have in his system? Painkillers, Xanax, *and* an assload of testosterone! (His personal doctor states that Chris had a little bit of a problem with his balls....a "testicular insufficiency", meaning that he couldn't manufacture his macho man-grappler juice due to his lifelong abuse of steroids, and therefore needed a bit of replacement so he could spurt his grappleseed all over cumslut Nancy's tits!) However, the medical examiner stated that he doesn't believe that the combination of these drugs would have caused Benoit to go apeshit and off his whole family. Therefore, we here at jesus-sucks-dick.com are going to stand by our original assertion: Benoit killed for Christ! Jesus demanded a sacrifice for pumping Benoit full of cock for all these years, and it was time to pay the piper!

But it gets better.....so much better.

There were track marks on the brat's arms, but that's not abnormal for the son of a man grappler. What's *really* fantastic is that Nancy's rotting corpse showed a blood alcohol level of 0.184......which would have made her legally intoxicated. The medical examiner speculates that the fact that she was so far decomposed could have altered this number.....but we doubt it.

Isn't this always the case?

I mean, goddamn. How many times does a man have to listen to some drunken cunt spew out slurred obscenities before he chokes the bitch to death? How Benoit put up with that twat until Jesus told him to kill her is beyond me. He deserves a medal. And, frankly, the child was defective....even Jesus didn't want him left alive so he could sell the little shit into an altar boy concubine and jerk off to a legion of pedophile priests fucking his asshole until it bled! Fragile X disease must lead to bad ass sex. It's a shame that Chris drugged the little fucker first, though. What kind of satisfaction can you get out of suffocating your own son with a sleeper hold if you don't have to beat him a bit first to stop his struggling?

Shame on you, Chris Benoit. You could have done so much better. We're disappointed in you. Here are a few tips for any other steroid junkie cocksucker who wants to kill for Christ:

1. Gore. The news loves a good dismemberment. Think of the headlines if you hack your wife and son up with a machete! For an added bonus, nail their various and sundry parts to the wall in festive Christmas designs. Jesus loves that sort of shit.

2. Body Count. 2 people just isn't enough. The bibles were a nice touch, but consider killing everyone inside the Lakewood megachurch in Houston, TX. They have a Sunday attendance of over 30,000. Think of all the damage you could do with some well-placed C4! Like I said in the last piece, if you're going to kill for Jesus, KILL FOR JESUS.

3. Go out in style. Don't just hang yourself from some exercise equipment! Man, what a pussy. He should have left his house and gone on a massive shooting rampage that would only have ended with a police sniper putting a bullet into his brain....live on prime-time television! THAT'S entertainment! And you were here to entertain, weren't you Chris? Give the motherfucking people what they want!

I think we're done with this story. As always, I'm shardborn for www.jesus-sucks-dick.com, your antichristian news leader.

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