I woke up this morning and took a dump. Then I got out of bed and wiped my ass with the sheet.

OCONOMOWOC, Wisconsin (AP) -- A man says he broke into an apartment with a cavalry sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped, but the sound actually was from a pornographic movie his upstairs neighbor was watching.

"Now I feel stupid," said James Van Iveren, who has been charged in the case.

Full story here: http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/02/22/porn.sword.ap/index.html

De Jesus, 61, grew up poor in Puerto Rico. He says he served stints in prison there for petty theft and says he was a heroin addict.

Hmm, well the real Jesus had his run-ins with the law too. Other than that, he seems way too cool to be Jesus, as seen here:

Followers have protested Christian churches in Miami and Latin America, disrupting services and smashing crosses and statues of Jesus.

and here:

He says he has a church-paid salary of $136,000 but lives more lavishly than that. During an interview, he showed off a diamond-encrusted Rolex to a CNN crew and said he has three just like them. He travels in armored Lexuses and BMWs, he says, for his safety. All are gifts from his devoted followers.

So, he bilks dumbass christians out of diamond encrusted rolexes and armored lexuses while convincing them to protest churches and smash crosses and statues of Jesus. And he has a 666 tattoo! This guy is a fucken genius!

Full CNN Story here

http://jesussuckscock.com

The only proper way to deal with this fiasco: Rick's Cabaret in Houston should buy her corpse, take her to a taxidermist and have her stuffed, then put her on display so she can still show off her junk, and take the patrons dollar bills. She should also be licensed to the Realdoll company, to continue her affairs with these class A gentlemen she's been with throughout the years.

I have to admit it. I love the cock. Big juicy meaty cock, small skinny scabby dick - I've eaten it all with a smile on my face.

Some misguided zealots will claim that I do in fact NOT suck the cock. Not the truth. Just ask my Dad. I'll never forget the day he and that old festering cunt fart of a holy ghost told me to go get nailed. How was I to know it was meant to be onto a chunk of 4x4 and not in the ass by all of my disciples?

And don't get me started on my mother. The whole "immaculate conception" thing was a crock of shit. Her vagina gaped so wide and dad had such a small cock he didn't touch the sides. And that "man made in his image" bullshit - well it's only 100% true for those tiny dicked slanty eyed motherfuckers over in Asia. Fuck I hate gooks.

Darwin was voted to return to the textbooks again, along with the removal of Intelligent Design. The 6-4 vote against ID by the Kansas School board shows the Flying Spaghetti Monster probably isn't done with this state, and will attempt to recruit more of the fundamental christians for his noodle like cause.

Longer story at The Register

Some fucken funny T-shirts and bumper stickers.

Here in #jesus_sucks_dick, we're always trying to get on the evening news because it's the only way we can .. ok, I dunno wtf this bitch is talking about. Under the 'disturbing' section of Lisa Hartz's "Does the internet change religion?" page, it says this about us:

Sites under this category can be considered the most dangerous, because the content is illogical and without any supplementary evidence. For example, the url alone for the site www.jesus-sucks-dick.com implies that this site's content is in no way ingenious or profound. Among the site's features are a survey asking "How much would you pay to see Jesus f****ed by gay blacks?" and "Top 10 uses for the Bible: a coaster, lining for a birdcage, etc." At best, this website can be seen as the work of 4th grade dropouts looking to make the evening news.

I find it interesting that the same criteria that she uses to find us 'disturbing' applies to the religion she's apparently defending. Belief in god/jesus/jehovah/etc is illogical and without any supplementary evidence.

She even gives us a plug (thanks). But what I'm wondering is why she bothered censoring the word 'fucked,' but not the word 'dick.' And 'gay blacks' doesn't sound like us. We'd say something more along the lines of 'fagnigger.' Is that a word?

Also, that 'Top 10' list was actually a poll, and our viewing public (you) submitted most of those answers. So, you should mail her and tell her you want the recognition.

If only we actually had changed religion. But it seems to keep right on being fucking crazy.